There are times when I feel like I am stagnating – I’d feel like I am not writing/reading/painting/creating/working out enough, and so I am not growing. More often than not, that thought of “shit I am not doing enough” would make me feel stuck even more, and so I’d be in this long episode of “I’m in that phase again,” and it would suck. I’d be the opposite of productive and growing, and instead would just be lurking on social media, seeing how everyone else is doing.
And then I’d see how my batchmates in college are making it. A batchmate whose photos are up on billboards. A batchmate whose got a billboard. A batchmate who started a business. A bunch of batchmates whose words and art are being featured in publications. A batchmate who’s working with Jericho Rosales. A batchmate whose short film was featured in Cannes Film Festival. Cannes.
And today, I bought a book written by my ultimate crush in college – the one I gave my blue rose to. Last year, I went to a play he wrote.
Man is he making it.
It feels like absolute shit when you try to put yourself side by side people who are in some ways just like you, except they are making it. Making it the way you’d want to make it. (Fuck I want to be published. And to be around Jericho Rosales.) And then you’d think these people probably have other people who they look at and feel the same thing. And those other people have other people to look at and feel the same thing. You get it.
I’d let my insecurities get the best of me for a bit as I scroll through my Instagram feed, or whatever social media platform I’d be in, before I call myself out and talk some sense into myself. Because hey, you have to admit – most of the time it’s hard to put to heart what you already know.
Like, I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others, because we’re all different, and we all have our own pace and all that shit – but sometimes I still do. I know the only way to get out of stagnating is actually moving and doing something, but sometimes I still just end up lying in bed and being sad about not being able to do anything or achieve anything while everyone else is doing exactly that.
I don’t know if you agree, but it seems like insecurities tend to knock on your door more often in your 20s, after college. Maybe especially at this day and age, when it’s so easy to be updated with everyone’s life – or everyone’s life as seen from carefully curated Facebook and Instagram posts, and filtered Snapchat stories. I mean, that’s how social media works, right? Best foot forward. You see the good side of everyone’s life and journey of being who they want to be and think for awhile that it’s all just that. Thank God I snap out of it after awhile. It’s not all that, and I have to remember that every time I scroll through my feed – especially whenever I don’t feel so good about myself. Everyone’s struggling. Just like me.
Time to go, insecurities. I still need to work on making it.