I introspect a lot – and what I do notice is how there’s one or two recurring themes in the issues I face. To me, that means that the universe has been trying to teach me a thing or two since forever, and up until now I’m still not getting it.
One theme is letting go. In different forms. And I see that in how I can’t swim in deep waters, or how I can’t lose myself in praise during worship, or even lose myself in music.
See, I know how to swim – but only when it’s in a 4-feet pool. I would always scramble for the nearest life vest (or person, or railing) every time I try (and fail) to keep my cool learning to stay afloat in deep water.
During worship, back when I was in Youth For Christ – Ateneo, I would peek at my orgmates and be amazed at how they’re losing themselves in praise. I’d always find it beautiful to witness, and it would always make me smile. I’d even get goosebumps sometimes. I remember asking myself why I can’t experience worship like that. I seem to be holding back – holding back what? I don’t know.
One time, I was on a Skype call with someone and he had some kind of native flute with him. We were talking about how playing music was a natural high for him, and then he told me to put my earphones on, find a comfortable position, and listen with my eyes closed. He began playing, and I did just as I was told – until I felt myself drifting, got scared, and snapped out of it.
It’s the same thing in different forms: me not knowing how to let go, me holding back. I can go on further on how this is present in my life in different aspects, but I know you get the point.
I’ve had a few glimpses of how it’s like when I just let go, though, and my recent favorite would be that night in Revel at The Palace. I was with my closest friends in high school, and one of my closest friend from work, Bea. We had a table upstairs but Bea and I were downstairs, near the stage where the DJ was. I was buzzed enough to let loose, and when my favorite song to dance on in the shower played, I smiled to myself and danced with my eyes closed.
That would have to be one of my most favorite moments with myself. It was one of the few times I didn’t feel like I was holding anything back. It was liberating, and since then, I craved for that feeling.
Now, it’s easier to let go. I still can’t swim in deep waters to save my life, but I’m getting better at letting loose and just going with the flow. I’m getting better at not holding on to one thing too long – whether a misadventure or a comment from a friend that hurts my feelings. I’ve found that it’s easier that way. I feel lighter that way. It’s easier to be happy that way.