This year is a fucking roller coaster ride, and we’re only halfway through.
I’m not ready to write about what happened in April and how I feel about it, because every time I try to, I start feeling lightheaded and end up not writing anything that makes sense. Still, nothing about it feels real. Maybe I need a few more months.
Anyway, I will still try. Apologies for the sloppy writing ahead.
Let’s just say that grief changed me. It continues to change me.
Grief and anxiety is a weird mix. I’ve been unstable all year to begin with, and then it all peaked in April when grief was added to the equation. I wasn’t ready for all the shit that happened in April. It was like a long ass nightmare I couldn’t wake up from. I floated my way through most of it. I still don’t know how all of it is real.
It took me a bad phase of shutting everyone out for weeks to realize that I need to help myself get better – not from grief, by the way. From anxiety.
It is only these past two weeks when I started feeling like things are looking up for me again. I started meditating. I started working out again. I’m starting to look forward again, to dream, to socialize a bit. I would always remind myself that the most uncomfortable situations are the best avenue for growth. I let myself experience the waves when they come. I remind myself it’s okay to not be okay. I’d still feel dumbfounded by the fact that he’s gone when I remember, though. I’d still feel lost about everything else from time to time, but I don’t feel as heavy anymore.
Grief however would always catch me while I’m in transit and I would cry. In the bus from my hometown to the city. Walking home from the office. In the car on Fridays. I don’t know what it is about being in transit really, but I would always cry.
I would miss him and I would cry. I would wish he was still here and I would cry. I would wish we could have caught up and I would cry. I would think of a million other ways things could have turned out and I would cry.
It’s unreal. He meant so much to me. He means so much to me. When we were younger, we were almost like a package deal. Wherever I am, there he was.
How is he gone?