3:06 AM and I am wide awake, thanks to the huge cup of matcha I had at 4:30 PM–that and the fact that my third Eurotrip is set and I am bound to Athens in exactly two weeks.

Who am I even kidding at this hour? There’s one more reason–perhaps the real one–and it’s this: I have emotions (traumas?) that have been creeping up on me the past couple of days. They concern men, unsurprisingly. I know I need to process these with my life coach, but for now, I’ll write.

I was out today with some high school friends. I finally got to visit Ana at Filtr, a small coffee shop where she works part-time. I was with Erika and Lyka. We hung out until Ana finished her shift; we had dinner plans.

At some point, Paramore’s Rose-Colored Boy played, which I enjoyed at that moment. After Laughter was on repeat at a very specific time in my life. Now it’s stuck in my head, and I am taken back to my last solo trip in 2019–the one where I went to Tokyo before starting a new job. The one where I met the last guy I dated, who happened to send me an email just yesterday.

I’m feeling the feeling, but I can’t name it yet. I think I’m getting flashbacks of the rose-colored girl I was in 2019. She’s reemerging, and I worry about reconnecting with her on the trip I’m about to take. I fear I’ll fail to protect her on the off chance we meet someone new.

I think that’s it. That is the worry that has been building up within me the more this upcoming trip becomes real. Now that I’ve booked what looks like a third of my flights and transfers, I feel it more. It feels like a mild case of trauma-induced anxiety.

I know I need to address this before my trip, but I don’t know how just yet. I’m banking on gaining clarity from talking to my life coach. For now, though, I need to sleep. It’s 3:45 AM, and I have work later.

Low-key, no pressure. Just hang with me and my weather.


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